


Bakery no Jutsu

by silentflightfeathers



Series: Bakery No Jutsu AU [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bakery, Bakery, Bisexual Sakura, Bisexuality, F/F, F/M, Fluff, It's Itachi of course there's angst, Itachi is just here for dango, Konohamaru isn't paid enough for this, LITERALLY, M/M, Multi, NaruSasu - Freeform, Naruto is Just Naruto, Polyamory, Sakura is an Enabler, SasuSaku - Freeform, Sasuke can't flirt to save his life, Sasuke is actually a really good baker b/c Sharingan, Team 7 - Freeform, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Who says you can't teach old ninjas new tricks?, and perfectionism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2018-11-18 18:45:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 11,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11296581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentflightfeathers/pseuds/silentflightfeathers
Summary: Sasuke didn't sign up for this but he's too much of a perfectionist to give up now.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In which a baker (my actual profession) puts Actual Bakery WTFs into Naruto because of a late-night Pokemon Go walking conversation with a fuck buddy. Sorry not sorry?

“No no NO, Konohamaru, WHY. THE SUGAR. YOU FIEND. This is a bakery! You can’t forget the SUGAR!”

Konohamaru wondered what on earth he’d done to deserve a mission playing temporary bakery worker in Konoha’s most dangerous bakery, but he knew better than to ask. This time. This time, he knew better than to ask. Out loud. Where Naruto-san, or worse, Sasuke-San could hear him. “I didn’t forget it, Boss-san,” he retorted, “it’s in… I… swear...”

Sasuke was staring at the cake batter- or the beginning of the cake batter- that Konohamaru had been mixing, his Sharingan deconstructing the exact details, while Naruto had gone ahead and stuck his finger in it. “No, you didn’t. There’s at least two cups missing.”

“I..uh…” Konohamaru checked the recipe again. “Oh. I forgot to add the extra two cups that wouldn’t fit in the measuring cup I had. Sorry, Boss-san. I’ll add them now!”

“Mmhm,” Sasuke replied, judging him from over his shoulder like only a perfectionist baker could, “don’t forget to add baking soda this time, either.” 

“R-right!”

“Don’t worry so much, Sasuke!” Naruto crooned after he’d finished licking his finger, “it’s in there, I can taste it!” 

“I’m reasonably certain I’m the  _ only _ person here who worries enough to keep this place from  _ burning to the ground, _ ” Sasuke groused. “I don’t know how I let you talk me into running a bakery. And wash your hands!”

Sakura flounced in, looking for her customary Wednesday-morning council order. “He didn’t,” she chirped, “your brother asked if you would make him dango and you caved on the spot.”

Sasuke wheeled to her and made shooing noises. “Out! Out! You’re not allowed in the kitchen! Out, you pink harpy! Pick up your order from the front like a normal customer!” 

Giggles came from the office. “Nii-san! I can hear you laughing over the hood vents!”

The giggles turned into chortles and snorts. “Does nobody around here take this seriously?”

“Yes, yes,” Naruto teased, “of course we do. Now, there’s a tray of creme brulee with your name on it over here.”

Sasuke heaved a sigh. “You just want me for my fire-style.”

Naruto shrugged. “Hey, I asked Itachi that one time and he nearly burnt down the entire back wall.”

Sasuke shuddered. His older brother might have been a brilliant shinobi, but he was a nightmare in the kitchen. Thankfully, he was boring enough that he actually enjoyed managing their finances. Though Sasuke was reasonably certain he just did it for the free dango.

Using just enough fire to caramelize the sugar instead of making a giant fireball WAS surprisingly difficult, though. He’d spent so many years training himself to make his jutsu ridiculously powerful that reversing that instinct had taken him a month of training and several different sets of ramekins. And tables. And at least one wall. Really, judging Itachi on his kitchen failures wasn’t very fair if he remembered what his creations- or their ashes- had looked like years ago.

The back door slammed shut and brought Sasuke out of his brulee-fugue. “Where is Naruto going?”

Konohamaru gave him an apologetic smile. “He said he wanted to test the rasenshuriken on a meringue?”

Oh Kami. Sasuke made it outside just in time to dodge the explosion of egg whites and sugar. “NARUTO! WHY?! We discussed this! The rasenshuriken is too powerful and too short-lived to whip egg whites properly!”

“Sorry,” Naruto apologized with an impish grin, “I wanted to see if I could give it a slower spin.”

Sasuke flicked egg off of his arm. “Did it work?”

“Kind of? They didn’t make it on the roof this time?”

“You are a menace.” Sasuke paused. “If MIGHT work if we could keep it from exploding out of the bowl and you made, I don’t know, TINY ones…”

Naruto grinned wider. “What if we used a splash dome, like the mixers? And I could maybe try to make a really small one…”

“Yeah, sure, but I need you to help me with this order.”

“No problem!” Two shadow clones popped into existence. “You guys keep practicing, okay?”

“Yeah! We’ll get it in no time!”

Sasuke eyed them. “Don’t go overboard wasting eggs.”

“No worries, Sasuke,” Naruto- the original- slung his arm over Sasuke’s shoulder and walked him back inside. “We got this.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Sasuke muttered.


	2. Too Many Cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys stay late because Itachi apparently believes they can pull cookies out of thin air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll notes later it's my birthday gotta go!

Naruto set down his piping bag and stretched, groaning. “Man. I am  _ starving, _ ya know? I’m gonna go get some Ichiraku’s. Want some?”

Sasuke glanced up from their late-night cookie decorating. His stomach growled, contributing its opinion on Naruto’s offer. “Fine. Get me a miso bowl, yeah? And send a clone. There’s still another ten dozen of these to do.”

One of Naruto’s clones put down his piping bag and bolted outside. “Hey, bring me back some dumplings!” the other one shouted.   
  
“You’re a clone, you don’t need to eat.” Sasuke’s fingers were beginning to cramp. If Itachi was here right now, he’d  _ kill _ him for accepting a special order this big for the  _ next day. _ Or at least a gentle maiming. Something. “Why don’t you just make something here, dumbass? You’re in a  _ kitchen. _ ”

“And betray Ichiraku’s?  _ Never. _ How could you suggest something like that? I’m their best customer, ya know!”

“Yeah, yeah. Finish that tray and let’s take a break. Food should be back by then.”

“You got it,” Naruto agreed amiably. He adjusted his bandana, hiding the blond mess that had come uncovered through the day- or night, as it were. He caught Sasuke watching him and flashed a smirk before stretching again, putting a little extra arch into his back in that way that stretched his t-shirt over his pecs.

Asshole. Sasuke snorted and went back to piping designs on cookies, purposefully not hearing Naruto’s self-satisfied chuckle.

~!~

It took them three more hours and an extra shadow clone, but they got the order done by midnight. Sasuke’s hands felt like noodles. He’d decided that he wasn’t going to  _ kill _ Itachi, he was going to deny him any and all sweets for a  _ month. _ Knowing Itachi, it was the worse punishment. 

“Hey,” Naruto yawned and slung an arm over Sasuke’s shoulders. “I’m beat. Gonna head home.”

“Yeah, sure. Me too,” Sasuke mumbled, shrugging Naruto’s arm off. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Naruto made that sad puppy face- the one that no fox should ever have been able to make- before planting a squishy kiss on the side of Sasuke’s face. “Gah, you’re such a brat!”

His business partner grinned. “See you tomorrow!”

Sasuke trudged home without wincing every time his feet hit the ground, a skill he attributed to the years he spent being a shinobi and had to run from one end of the country to the other for missions- then just to stay one step ahead of Konoha’s bounty hunters.

He hadn’t gone about his life in any particularly smart way when he was young, but he’d had friends, even when he didn’t want them. It had been enough to save him, in the end.

Even enough to save his brother, thank the kami. Sasuke didn’t want to think about what his life would have been like if he’d actually gotten the revenge he thought he’d needed.

Though it wouldn’t have included him snoring on the couch in their living room, he was sure. He toed Itachi awake. “Nii-san, go to  _ bed. _ ” 

Itachi just grumbled at him and rolled over. “Five more minutes.”

“Tch. Fine, have a migraine in the morning.”

Sakura was sacked out in his bed when he opened the door. “Hey, scoot over, Harpy,” he poked her. “That’s my bed, you know. You have your own.”

She yawned and grumbled at him, bleary with sleep. “You missed movie night. Ino made snacks.”

“Sorry. Naruto and I had to stay late at the bakery.” He stripped down to his boxers, uncaring about modesty in front of his old teammate. 

“You and  _ Naruto, _ huh?” She teased, her voice sleepy.

“Shut up,” he grumbled as he flopped into  _ his _ bed, pink-haired harpy occupant notwithstanding, and yanked the blanket over himself. “Bed-hogs don’t get an opinion.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She scooted onto the arm he held out. “Your bed is more comfortable. When are you going to admit you’d rather be in  _ his _ bed so I can have yours?”

He snorted. “Keep dreaming, Sakura-chan.”

She mumbled something sassy and unintelligible, already mostly asleep again.

Sasuke kissed the top of her head before dropping off to sleep himself. “Goodnight, Sakura.”


	3. Sugar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi+ Shisui+ sugar= angst?! (It's Itachi, of course it does).
> 
> Also sorry this one is really short. ^_^;;

Itachi was dreaming. But then, Itachi  _ wasn’t _ dreaming, because he was in his own bed- he could hear Sakura’s light snores through the wall- and his hair was crusted to one side of his face, which had to be the most attractive thing in the world, but it didn’t matter because even when his hands couldn’t stop shaking and he couldn’t stop the gasping wheezes echoing in his chest  _ Shisui was right here _ and he had snuck coffee and contraband pastries in with him. 

Itachi reached out and grabbed the hand Shisui was petting him with, murmuring something silly as Itachi came down from the nightmare he’d woken from, like “I’m okay, really, you don’t need to fuss, I’m all right.”

Shisui, of course, laughed at him- that quiet, wry chuckle that he used now instead of the boisterous guffaw that Itachi had grown up with. “Liar,” he said fondly. “You had a nightmare again.”

Itachi just nodded. He didn’t need to explain what it had been- it was always the same. It’s always just a repeat of the one night in his life he wished he hadn’t survived, and no one in the apartment deserved to hear him recount it. 

Shisui flopped onto the bed next to Itachi. His face was a mess of scars, and the eye Danzo- may he fucking  _ rot _ \- had stolen was now just scars around a glass prosthetic, the best Konoha blood money could buy. His other eye was gloriously, amazingly his own, because when Itachi saw the blind man trailing a brother who suddenly didn’t want to fight him Itachi’s second instinctive reaction was to make his childhood friend whole again.

Naruto had  _ not _ appreciated regurgitating a crow, which Itachi couldn’t make himself feel guilty over.

Shisui had saved him then, had been the first to say “It wasn’t your fault, Itachi, you were being  _ controlled, _ stop, please, you don’t have to fight anymore, it was Danzo, it was always Danzo...” which Itachi hadn’t been able to hear over the sound of his heart beating  _ too fast _ too  _ hard _ and stuttering… 

He had woken up in Konoha’s hospital wing with Tsunade having done the absolute impossible- having  _ healed him- _ and Shisui, so scarred, with an awful limp that made Itachi wince every time he saw him walk but so  _ damn amazingly alive _ , was there with him.

“Hey,” Shisui crooned as he tugged the stray hairs off of Itachi’s face, “I brought you sugar, you’re not allowed to brood.”

“Sorry.” he mumbled, “dreaming makes me remember how fucking grateful I am you’re here.”

“And don’t you forget it,” his friend- his partner- teased gently. “Now, I brought you coffee and those pastries you like, so get up before Sasuke catches me and kicks my ass, yeah?”

Itachi chuckled, and when Shisui followed him into the bathroom- to ostensibly ‘tame your  _ hair, did you sleep with a fucking windmill last night?!’  _ and generally be close enough to touch and be touched- Itachi woke up enough to put a brave face on for the rest of the world.

Shisui and the sugar definitely helped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all because I had to answer the question "how the heck do I make this nonexistent plotline even remotely make sense?" with "Don't worry, Shisui lived."


	4. Water, with Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another summer day, crushing in Konoha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear, those are actual customer complaints/ questions I've gotten at work before. People worry me sometimes.
> 
> btw, if you have suggestions/ questions for this AU you can totes send me an ask on my tumblr! [silentflightfeathers](https://silentflightfeathers.tumblr.com)

Sasuke narrowed his eyes when his brother strolled into the bakery’s office with a contented smile on his face. “You’re  _ late, _ Nii-san.”

“I have time to do the orders, Sasuke.” Itachi responded as serenely as possible, “You needn’t fuss.”

Sasuke huffed out a breath and glanced at the text from Shisui again-  **Nightmares again, ttyl** \- but let it slide. “Can you order extra eggs this week, please? I think Naruto still wants to practice that meringue jutsu…”

“Of course,” was the short reply. The office door closed and Sasuke ran his fingers over his bandana- then looked at the dough he’d been working on and grimaced. 

“Great,” he grumbled. He’d have dough chunks in his bangs all day,  _ and _ he’d be worrying about Itachi. He went to wash his hands. “Welcome to Monday.” 

“What about Mondays?” Naruto chirped as he sailed through the door. “It’s a pretty good Monday when we work together, ya know!” He was wearing his jacket open over just a mesh armor shirt- which, sure, it’s summer and they were in a bakery, but  _ come on...  _ That’s just  _ unfair. _

“We work together every monday, idiot,” Sasuke retorted, but he was too preoccupied to invest as much snappishness in his tone as he usually did. “And you’re late.”

Naruto beamed at him. “Well, then, they’re all good Mondays! Also, sorry, but I ran into that one lady who always has weird suggestions. She had a list! She wouldn’t  _ stop, _ ya know?”

Sasuke winced. Most of their customers knew them as retired war heroes- they came to ogle legendary shinobi-turned-bakers and purchase souvenirs before they discovered that the food was  _ amazing _ , but they had a couple who cared about the food, and just the food, maybe a little too much. “What did she say this time?”

“We should stop using canola oil, because it causes cancer, and thought sodium bicarbonate sounded like a dangerous chemical, so could we please stop using those in our cookies? Sasuke, since when did we put oil in our cookies? And isn’t that just baking soda? How do we make cookies without baking soda?! Oh, and we should switch to agave syrup because it’s healthier than regular sugar.”

“I have no idea,” Sasuke admitted, dismayed. “I’m not sure I want to know. Also,  _ no. _ If she wants agave syrup in her cookies she can pay extra when she special orders it. Fucking  _ hell _ . You are exonerated for lateness by volunteering customer service hours.”

Naruto snickered as he exchanged his jacket for an apron. “What’s the plan for today?”

“It’s on the board- pies are done, you can cross that off- mostly every day stuff. We should have time for some tests if you have anything you want to try. And  _ no meringues. _ Itachi is ordering extra eggs next week. Wait until then.”

His teammate/ business partner thought for a moment. “Did we get any matcha in?”

“Yeah, it’s in dry storage.” 

“Awesome. Matcha stuff is the cool new trend right now, ya know? Even better than  _ pumpkin stuff _ . Gotta keep up.” 

Sasuke grimaced. “Don’t go crazy. That stuff is worth more per pound than you are.”

Naruto stopped in front of the sink to flex. “More than the most amazing ninja in Konoha? Nahh, Sasuke. I think the heat is getting to you. Have you been drinking enough water? Maybe you need to lie down.”

“I never said anything about it being worth more than  _ me _ , idiot. You need to clean the fur out of your ears, fox-boy. Your hearing’s gone bad.”

“Ha, are you saying I’m  _ foxy _ ?” He winked. 

Sasuke threw a towel at him. “Idiot,” he retorted. The heat was definitely making him feel a bit flushed- maybe water was a good idea. Cold water. With ice. He could dump it on his head like an instant cold shower. “Get to work.”

Naruto did, for a while. But it was Naruto, so eventually he got bored and started talking again. “Hey, have you heard from Sakura in the last couple of days? We haven’t had the chance to hang out in awhile.”

Sasuke answered blandly, “she spent the night the day before last. We missed movie night when we had to work on that order, so she crashed at my place. She kicks in her sleep, the damn harpy.” 

Naruto snickered. “We should hang out with her when she has a day off. Team Seven hasn’t gotten into any kind of trouble in, like,  _ months. _ We’re due for a night out.”

He thought about it for a moment. “Yeah. We could catch up, I guess.”

“She might have plans with Ino and Sai, though. I think they were getting kinda serious the last I heard?”

Sasuke shrugged. “Hey, at least we can trust them not to do anything we’d have to beat them for.”

Naruto grinned, with teeth. “Not like that last idiot.”

“Taking care of him was fun,” Sasuke agreed. 

“Naww, aren’t I lucky to have the two best teammates in the world looking out for my well-being?” Sakura interrupted from the doorway, her voice in that sugary tone that put Sasuke’s hackles up because it was synonymous with ‘don’t make me punch you.’

Naruto just grinned at her. “Hey, Sakura-chan. When are you free next? We should have ramen and drinks or something.”

“Sounds fun. Friday night should be good, I  _ think _ ,” she mused as she sauntered past the workbenches to kiss Naruto on the cheek. “I miss my troublemakers,” she added before she popped up to Sasuke and gave his face the same treatment. “We should invite Kakashi-sensei,” she added slyly. “Get the whole team together.”

Sasuke narrowed his eyes at her. “You’re going to invite everyone again, aren’t you?”

She grinned cheekily at him. “Punishment for threatening to beat up my partners,” she chirped as she flounced away, “How about seven? Don’t be late. Byeee!” 

“Harpy,” he grumbled. Truthfully, he was glad for her- and not just because she didn’t spend her days pining over him anymore. Nursing him- which he admitted had NOT been a pleasant experience for either of them- for six months after the final battle had changed that dynamic for the better, so far as he was concerned. Though they had all been surprised when she announced that she was bisexual by making out with Ino at a party. These days, when she wasn’t busy with hospital administrative work, Sakura dated whoever she pleased.

Sasuke and Naruto were always there to glare menacingly over her shoulder if they deemed it necessary.

“At least one of us is getting laid around here,” Sasuke grumbled under his breath.

“What?”

“Nothing. This dough is being a pain. It’s too hot in here.”

“Uh-huh,” Naruto agreed easily. His grin could be best described as  _ foxish. _ “Way too hot in here. Should I get you some ice to cool you down?”

“Fuck you, idiot. I’m fine.”

“Sure, sure… whatever you want, Sasuke.” 

Sasuke stopped and got the ice himself.


	5. Less Eyes, More Teeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke needs to avoid the consequences of his business partners, so dinner is on Sakura today.

Sasuke walked out of the bakery with a sigh of sweaty, well-earned relief. Konoha’s summer and constantly-on ovens, even with vents and marginally-functional air conditioning, meant the sweat started pooling in the small of his back sometime around eight in the morning. 

So, right around the time Naruto had decided to try to teach Itachi how to make beignets.

Perfectionism was a common personality trait in chefs, Sasuke knew, but now they needed to order an extra hundred pounds of cake flour and  _ Kami knows _ how much more yeast… and the eggs.

_ Uughh _ . Itachi and eggs. It’s like a compulsion. And the  _ heat… _ awful. Just awful, that’s what today turned out to be, and even though Naruto managed to get Itachi out of the kitchen eventually they were both just  _ not _ the people Sasuke wanted to see at the end of the day. So he escaped. He escaped, slunk three blocks West and one block North, hopped a fence, and took to the roofs.

Sakura didn’t seem terribly surprised when he landed on her balcony and let himself in, but she just waved him inside and gave him a sympathetic smile.  “Long day?”

“Naruto tried to teach Itachi how to make beignets,” he groused. “I almost ran away and joined the circus.”

“Don’t be silly,” she said. “You could frighten small children when  _ we _ were still children.”

“Harpy,” he grumbled. “Can I borrow your shower?”

“Sure, sure. I think that shirt you left here last time is clean, if you want to change.”

“Thanks.” A clean shirt sounded like  _ heaven. _ “I owe you one.”

“You owe me like,  _ four, _ at this point, but who’s counting. Hey, do you want to stay for dinner? I think Sai wants to make yakitori tonight.” 

Sasuke weighed Sai’s cooking with Sai’s personality and decided free food won. “Sure. Sounds good,” he accepted with a little wave over his shoulder. That shower wasn’t going to take itself.

~*~

Sakura and Ino, after some debate, decided to have dinner on the roof. Sasuke was wrangled into delivering plates, sauces, and what-have-you up to the cozy picnic spot they’d built- or, from what he understood, Sai had politely requested  _ Tenzo _ build- after the building went up and the pair had moved in. Ino had spent the past four years growing flowers on every inch of space that didn’t have a grill or seating. 

It was a relaxing little space that Sasuke would never have thought to find in a village whose greatest export had been mercenaries for the past hundred years, and he’d unabashedly thrown his vote in to eat surrounded by flowers and char smoke. Besides, he got to watch his best friend interact with her partners, and that was always a pleasure.

“Sasuke-kun, quit sniffing the flowers and put the teapot down, hmm? It’s more friendly if you share.”

The partners might, on occasion, be a different story. He heaved a sigh. “Shut up, Sai. I’d rather look at the flowers than  _ your _ creepy mug.”

One kunoichi each smacked them both on the back of their heads. “ _ Behave,” _ they got in stereo. 

Sasuke winced and grumbled. “Of course,” was Sai’s response, delivered with a cheery smile that made Sasuke want to wince more. Sai was trying to work on developing his sarcasm, and it was only slightly frightening. Or he just knew his smiles still bothered Sasuke, it was a toss-up.

“Less eyes, more teeth, sweetie.” Ino said calmly. “Hiding from Naruto again, Sasuke?”

“From Itachi,” he admitted. “He had a nightmare this morning, and then Naruto tried to teach him how to bake. Again.”

The table winced collectively. “Did the kitchen survive?”

“Everything but some ingredients this time,” he said. “Shisui will coddle him once he gets back from wrangling genin. I just… needed some downtime.” His smile was nearly as stiff as it used to be, but it was grateful all the same. “You three built a good place for that.”

Ino patted his hand. “We’re here when you need it, Sasuke.”

“But you better not need intense medical attention again, buddy, because I am  _ not _ nursing you back to health again,” Sakura teased.

He snorted. “You get to deal with Naruto when he’s feeling experimental, then.”

“Oh, I’ll  _ deal _ with Naruto,” Sai put in. “He wasn’t that impressive then, and he’s not that impressive now. You just have to...”

Sasuke pointed his chicken skewer at the team member he’d never worked with. “I do  _ not _ want to know.”

“I’m just saying. One pout and the man’s a goner. It’s  _ easy.  _ I don’t understand how you two still haven’t hooked up yet. You cook for each other, you hang on each other, he gives you that puppy-face every ten seconds, it’s painful. At least he got rid of that horrible orange jacket, but that was just so he could make sure you had to ogle his abs every time you looked at him. Thanks for that, by the way. I enjoy the view every time you two visit.”

“I’m  _ busy. _ I’ve got the bakery to take care of, and Itachi is still… well, you know. Danzo…” he swallowed. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have brought that up.”

Sai sighed. “Danzo left us a damn mess. It’s not your fault. He’s gone, I can let it go. Besides,” he cut his eyes at both of the women sitting next to him, “I have people who care about me.”

Sakura reached for her partner’s hand before she turned to Sasuke with a stern look. “So does Itachi, so quit thinking you have to martyr yourself to keep your brother sane, huh? It’s been ten years, it’s getting tiresome. Itachi has Shisui. You get to have a life too, Sasuke.”

He sighed. “Yeah, yeah.” He bit off half of his skewer and chewed thoughtfully. “Thanks, guys.”

“Just…” Sai sighed. “At  _ least _ try to get laid once in awhile, dumbass. I’d volunteer, but, no. Sorry, but I just don’t go for the sadsacks.”

Sasuke nearly choked. The girls just laughed at him- Ino nearly spat out her tea. Dinner after that settled into more manageable subjects. After a couple of teasing invitations to spend the night, Sai and Ino let him escape with his dignity intact.

He made it home late enough that Itachi was already asleep, so he crept into his room and flopped face-first onto his pillow with a groan.

Honestly, he should have stayed a shinobi. This civilian shit was  _ exhausting. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They have this conversation every couple of months. Sasuke hasn't quite gotten over his martyr complex.


	6. Poses, not Roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sai is an art ninja, Not A Therapist, Naruto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL omg yeah so I said on Tumblr that I might not let go of this whole OT3 InoSakuSai thing and yeah, I was probably right. 
> 
> But it's so fucking CUTE. ~Side note, my autocorrect wants "Sasuke" to be "Sapsucker," and that amuses the crap out of me for some reason.~

Sakura settled into bed with an exasperated sigh, one arm flopped over Sai’s pale stomach so she could reach Ino’s fingers. “I just don’t know what to do about those boys.”

“This may be surprising,” Ino yawned, “but it’s not actually your problem. They’re big boys. They don’t need Mama Sakura to fix their love lives.”

“I am  _ not _ their  _ mother. _ Gross. Don’t even joke like that!”

Ino snickered sleepily, and Sai tugged her back onto his shoulder. “They both needed time to deal with things after the war,” he said sagely. “But it’s been a long time since then. They’ve just settled into a pattern.”

“A pattern of moping and quiet desperation,” Sakura grumbled. “Do you know what Naruto was wearing today? Mesh armor! That’s it!”

“Sorry I missed it,” Ino giggled. “He’s trying so hard and not hard enough, all at the same time.”

“Hmf.” She snuggled her head further onto Sai’s chest, and he rubbed his thumb along her back. Ino’s fingers twined with hers in an unconscious fidget, as if they were a pen on her desk at work.

“Really,” Ino mumbled, “You should just throw them at each other. Sasuke’s pretty light. You could do it.”

Sakura’s head bounced as Sai chuckled. “Maybe I will,” she said with a yawn. “Maybe.”

The gentle finger-strokes continued until they all were asleep.

~!~

The next day, it was Naruto’s turn to wind up on the trio’s couch, bemoaning his lack of love life. This time, it was Sai’s turn to deal with it- Sakura was at work, and besides that, what she’d tolerate from Sasuke had very little to do with what she’d tolerate from Naruto, and moping was  _ not _ and  _ never would be _ part of that.

Besides, Naruto’s moping was much whinier than Sasuke’s quiet sulking.

“You have NO IDEA when the last time I got  _ laid _ was! I’m practically  _ dying _ over here! I  _ know _ he’s bi, Sakura’s said, but I walked around that bakery almost NAKED yesterday and he didn’t bat an eye!”

Sai calmly continued sketching Naruto’s dramatic posturing. “I know exactly when the last time you got laid was,” he said flatly, “since the last person who fucked you was me. Also, you were at work. I believe fraternization at the workplace is frowned upon in many circles. And quit flailing, please. It’s hard to get your angles right when you fidget.”

Naruto subsided with a grumble. “ ‘s not like he’s my employee or something…”

“Hm?”

“I said, we’re both owners, so it’s not like flirting with the  _ Hokage _ or something. We should be able to do what we want.”

Sai frowned. “Please don’t mention flirting with the Hokage. I have a vivid visual imagination, and I do not want to imagine Kakashi-sama in a romantic relationship,  _ ever. _ ”

“Oh, yeah? Well you shouldn’t watch him around that one ANBU, then… hey!”

Sai had sent his paintbrush straight at Naruto’s face. “I said no,” he informed him. “And quit fidgeting.”

“If you don’t want me to move, don’t throw shit at my face, Teme!”

“Don’t say stupid shit and I won’t throw things at you. Now, quit it, or I’ll paint some ropes to tie your dumbass down with.”

“Hmf.” Naruto was quiet for a few minutes as Sai’s portrait gradually gained more detail.

“When was the last time you went on a mission?”

“Huh?”

“When was the last time you went on a mission? It’s not a hard question, stupid.”

“I don’ know… a few months? Kakashi-sensei doesn’t really want to send us out of the village lately. I mean, the last one I went out on was with Shisui and Kiba, and Itachi almost had a meltdown with Shisui gone, so… yeah, not much action for a Jinchuuriki, ya know? I’ve thought about signing up for more missions, but that would leave Sasuke alone with the bakery, and leaving Sasuke to deal with all the fangirls is like asking Sakura to deal with genin who try to escape the hospital.”

They both grimaced at the thought.

“You should get him to train more,” Sai suggested. “You two always flirted best when you were fighting. And he needs to pull the stick out of his ass anyway. He’s still a shinobi, being stuck in a bakery all the time isn’t good for him. Psychologically.”

“Darling, you are  _ not _ a good judge of what would be good for a person’s mental health,” Ino called from the bedroom.

“Of course, dear,” Sai responded mildly.

“Don’t make that face!” 

“What face? You can’t see my face.”

Naruto was snickering quietly to himself when Ino sauntered into the living room and poked her husband in temple. “ _ That _ face. Naruto, seriously. Just take him out for drinks, get a little tipsy, and flirt like you  _ actually mean it for once. _ Or, hell, just be  _ honest. _ The worst he can do is actually explain himself so you know where you stand.”

“I know where I stand! It’s really fucking obvious, ya know! I don’t know why he doesn’t  _ ever _ make a move, though! That’s why it’s frustrating!”

Ino threw up her hands. “Then why are you here, whining at my husband, Baka! Go ask Sasuke! Geez!”

“He’s got a lot to deal with, ya know! I was trying to give him time and be supportive!”

“It’s been ten years! That’s way more time than anyone who’s not a crazy god-level jinchuuriki named  _ Naruto _ would give up for someone! You, the best shinobi on the  _ continent,  _ opened a  _ bakery _ for fuck’s sake! You were going to be Hokage! Come on!”

Naruto’s face scrunched up in that mulish way it always did when they were kids. “Sometimes dreams change, ya know.”

She ruffled Sai’s hair. “Yeah, I know. But really, you should just talk to him or something. You can’t keep this up, Naruto.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.” His stomach growled. “...I’m gonna head to Ichiraku’s, I guess. I’m starved.”

“Sure,” Sai said. “Thanks for posing. Next time, try not flail so much, though.”

“Asshole,” Naruto retorted, no small amount of affection in his voice. “Tell Sakura I said Hi when she gets home.”

“We will. Hey, she wants to do that thing tomorrow. Don’t forget!”

“I won’t! See ya!”

The door to their patio slid shut behind him, and Ino flopped onto the couch he’d just vacated. “Those two are  _ hopeless, _ ” she moaned.

“Yep,” Sai answered her cheerily. “Completely hopeless.”


	7. Preserves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke is very good at communication.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super good. Also this has over 1000 views! ZOMG.

Sasuke was sitting on the roof when Shisui landed on the ridgepole like some damn ninja ballerina, _en pointe_ and with a cute little spin. He was pretty sure the other Uchiha did it for the sheer enjoyment of _being capable of doing so,_ so he didn’t mock him like he would have Naruto or Sai. Especially not when he brought beer to share.

“Itachi’s asleep?”

“Out cold. You know he always crashes after a bad day.”

“Yeah.”

Shisui cocked his head and looked at him with an eye Sasuke _knew_ was only made of glass. “What’s crawled up your ass and died?”

Sasuke’s beer went over the roof in a fine spray. “The fuck, Shisui!”

Shisui shrugged. “You’re the one moping on a roof.”

“Not really any of your business.”

“Hey, you’re my baby cousin. I’ve got to keep an eye on you!”

“...That was _terrible.”_

“Made you smile, though. Sadsack.”

Sasuke sipped his beer. “Is Itachi getting better,” he asked. He stared at the giant stone faces instead of turning to his cousin, those giant impassive monuments to the group of people who’d generally tried, and failed, to save the village at the expense of their clan. He grimaced at them.

At least the first four, anyway.

“He has fewer nightmares,” Shisui offered. “Fewer panic attacks. Eats regularly. And if he ever catches on that you’re up here moping about _him_ instead of taking care of _yourself_ , he’ll start blaming himself and get _worse._ So figure out your shit and do who makes you happy, little bro, because I am _not_ dealing with that drama if I don’t have to.”

“What.”

“...”

“It’s ‘what’ makes you happy, not ‘who.’”

“Is it?” Shisui stretched. “Coulda sworn it was who. Well, you do you. Or whoever. I’m going to go sleep in a real bed with a real human and pretend I don’t have to wrangle hyperactive ten-year-olds tomorrow. ‘Night.”

“Night.”

Sasuke collapsed onto his back with a soft thud. _Everybody_ was nosing into his sex life these days. Or his lack-of-sex life, maybe. Whichever. Sometimes he missed being an asshole, it kept people out of his business.

~!~

“Yes, Ma’am, we do special orders- no, Ma’am, there’s a 48-hour- I’m very sorry… Ma’am, I am the _owner_ -” Naruto sighed and held the phone out to Sasuke. “She wants to speak to the manager, because I won’t let her special order a layer cake for _tonight._ ”

Sasuke snorted and took the phone, completely ignoring Naruto’s vindictive grin. “How can I help you?”

“Are you the manager?”

“I’m the owner, ma’am.”

“Well, thank the Kami. I would like to order a cake for tonight-”

“A cake for tonight?”

“Yes! Is that a difficult concept? I want to order a three-layer cake for a party tonight and it _has_ to be from your establishment because- because it _does.”_

“Because a cake from this establishment will be known to be made by the most infamous shinobi in the Elemental countries, of course, ma’am.”

“Yes! Of course. When can I pick it up?”

His face stretched into a grin. “That won’t be necessary. We’ll be happy to deliver.”

“Wh-what?”

“Yes. All rush-order cakes are hand-delivered by Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto themselves, for a small fee. Upon delivery they will also stage a recreation of their famous last battle in your backyard using all of the original jutsus and possibly including any tailed beasts currently available for rampage-”

*Click*

Sasuke hung the phone back up. “She hung up on me. How inconsiderate.”

“That was _awesome,_ ” Naruto chortled. “You’re better at dealing with the rude customers than I am.”

Sasuke smirked. “We’ll have a visit from the Hokage later about threatening civilians, but he’s due for a visit anyway. We could catch up.”

“Yeah, I need to talk with him anyway…”

Sasuke looked back at Naruto, his face impassive. “What for?”

“Well, just, uh…” Naruto rubbed the back of his head. “I’ve been thinking about taking more missions. It’s been slow this season, ya know, so I thought I’d have some time…”

Sasuke just kept looking at him.

Naruto kept babbling. “I mean… it’s not that I’m bored or anything… I mean, I could use a little more action, but…. Gotta stay sharp, ya know! I don’t want to leave you behind or anything… I mean, if you want to train more, that would be nice too… uh… ya know?”

His partner just blinked at him and moved towards the handwashing sink. “If you want to go on more missions, that’s fine. I’m sure the Nine-tails gets restless with no… nothing to do. I can handle things here.”

Naruto followed him. “Sasuke… come on…”

Sasuke put his apron on. “Did we get those plums in yesterday?”

Naruto sighed. “Yeah. They’re in the walk-in.”

“Right. I want to make those preserves today.”

“Sure, Sasuke.”


	8. Pretty/ Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Literally just Sasuke gets mauled. There's make-up involved.

When Sasuke stepped into his living room with a towel over his shoulders, he hadn’t expected to see Sakura, Ino, and Shisui encamped on his couch with wicked smiles and _supplies._

“What.”

Sakura clacked a bizarre curved implement at him. It was an eyelash curler, and it really bothered him that he knew that. “We’re getting you ready for tonight!”

He stabbed a finger at them. “ _No._ ”

Shisui was tossing a tube of mascara in the air. “Yes.”

He growled. “Doesn’t Itachi need you for something?”

“Itachi can put his eyeliner on himself. He’s a big boy.” There were _eyebrow waggles_ involved in Shisui’s response. Oh, _gag._

“Please never say that with that look on your face again.”

“Shut up and let us make you pretty, Sasuke.”

Sasuke glared at them all. When the stern face of Konoha’s favorite missing-nin failed to make an impression he huffed and sat on the ottoman in defeat. “I’ve gone _soft_ ,” he groused.

“You were always soft, ever since you were a kid,” Shisui retorted. He’d already manifested a truly frightening array of hair care implements. “You just have a martyr complex. We’re used to it. Besides, Sakura is scarier than you are.”

That was true. Sakura preened.

It took them two hours, but by the time he escaped his eyelashes were twice their normal length, his eyelids were a “hot, smoky mess” (according to Ino), and his hair had been gelled into “sexy bedhead,” which apparently meant “looked exactly the same, but with more hair gel.” Itachi had even emerged halfway through to do his nails- and Itachi was _really good_ at doing nails, so Sasuke didn’t have the heart to remind him how quickly he’d have to remove the polish for work. Besides, he had the weekend off. May as well enjoy it, right?

Sakura had draped him in what could have been a yukata if she hadn’t paired it with slacks, which, he had to admit, was a good look. She wasn’t getting it back, and her grin when she finally let him back out into the living room said she knew that.

“Ta-da!”

“I will _murder you all_.”

“Nah. You look hot, Sasuke!”

He glared at Ino, who giggled.

Shisui grinned at him. “Now,” he teased, “you can go sweep that fox off his feet, Fearless Leader.”

“I will stab you.”

Itachi patted his shoulder. The solemn look on his brother’s face made him abort his lunge for Shisui’s throat, and he stood to listen. “Little brother,” he intoned, his voice deep with his inborn gravitas, “get some.”

Sasuke looked at his brother with something close to horror. “Shisui!” He squeaked. “This is _your fault!”_

Shisui was doubled over on the couch, tears leaking out of his eye. When Sasuke braved a glance back at Itachi, he caught a merry twinkle in his eyes and the little lip-quirk that came with one of his rare jokes. “Nii-san!”

His brother gave him an honest smile. “Don’t worry _,_ Sasuke. I want my little brother to be happy.”

Sasuke sputtered. “I’m not getting _married!_ I’m not even going on a date!”

Sakura caught his arm again. “Of course not, Sasuke-kun. We’re just going out for drinks to catch up.” She grinned at the rest of them as she steered him towards the door. “No promises when we’ll have him back by, though! Thanks for the help, Shi-chan--” quick pecks on Shisui and Itachi’s cheeks-- “and we’ll see you later, okay?”

Ino bound after them with a cheerful wave. “Hey, I’m coming too!”

Sasuke sighed. “I _knew_ you’d invite everybody.”

“Just our class- and Sensei- and maybe Gaara and his siblings are in town, but not _everybody…”_

Ino laughed. “She invited everybody. We have a private room at the Kunai. You wouldn’t _believe_ the deposit she had to pay.”

Sakura grinned, unrepentant. “We deserve a good time. Besides, I can afford it.”

This was going to be _insane,_ like the _last party,_ Sasuke just knew it. Maybe he could sneak out early…

“And I’ve told Sai to keep an eye on you so can’t escape early this time!”

 _Damnit_. “I hate you.”

“You love me. Come on, Sasuke-kun! Your party awaits!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was short! But it's fun, so I'm unrepentant.


	9. Sparkle No Jutsu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The glitz, and the Glam, and the Fashion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woops! This took me awhile, but I'm pleased with it finally. ^.^

Sai had to drag Naruto through the crowd waiting in front of the club. Of course there was a crowd, since Sakura had apparently decided it was a good idea to book the private room in one of the more popular dance clubs that had sprung up after the final battle. It was also a  _ rough _ crowd, since Sai had spent the last hour alternating between painting gold club makeup on Naruto’s face and issuing dire threats if he wouldn’t quit fidgeting. The sparkles, unfortunately, made him stand out even more. 

Naruto wondered if it would have been better or worse if he hadn’t told Kakashi he didn’t want to be Hokage anymore. 

The bouncer muttered something into his mic- tech that used to be military-only, and wasn’t that  _ great- _ and a host popped his head out of the door with an avaricious cry. 

“Mister Uzumaki and Mister Yamanaka! Come in, come in, please, your room is this way!” He held the door open for them to precede him, but as soon as they were past the entryway the little rat-faced man opened up his lungs and bellowed past their heads “Make way! VIPs coming through! Naruto Uzumaki is IN THE HOUSE!”

Naruto plastered a friendly grin on his face as Sai stuck a finger in his ear and wiggled it. “Public face, Sai,” he grumbled through his teeth as women tried to pet him and men asked for his autograph. “Honestly, we should have come in through the roof. HEY, everybody!”

“Showboat,” Sai grinned, and several in the crowd- did they just  _ swoon- _ went weak in the knees. Sai, personally, didn’t mind the fans too much, even if he wasn’t sure what to  _ do _ around them. Luckily, Ino and Sakura were good at frightening away rabid fangirls. “You know you like it.”

“Speak for yourself,” Naruto sniped. This was going to take a while- the host was herding them towards the back as slowly as possible- and he decided to take matters into his own hands. So he shrugged out of his jacket and tossed it at the host, “Hey, hold this!”

“Narutoo…” Sai warned, but it was too late. He’d already made an inhuman leap for the balcony, stuck his landing, waved at the cheering crowd, and bounced all the way to the door to the VIP area. Not to be outdone, Sai winked at his adoring fans, pulled out a scroll, and sailed after him on the back of an ink bird.

“But  _ I’m _ the showboat,” Naruto grinned. In the club lights the gold eye makeup Sai had painted on his face glistened and glinted, picking up the highlights in his bright hair.

Sai shrugged and held out his jacket. “You know better than to toss your clothes at civilians, dumbass.”

“If he’s going to use us to advertise, he deserves what he gets,” Naruto retorted. “I’m not his billboard.” Still, he snatched his jacket and tossed it back on. “Happy?”

“You know, going out for drinks was  _ your _ idea.” Sai said mildly.

“ _ This _ was  _ Sakura’s _ idea.”

“Yes,” Sai gave him a smile- he added teeth this time- and Naruto took a step back. “And she put a lot of effort into planning the party.” 

The noise that greeted them past the door was more comforting than the bass and screaming in the club outside- friendly sass and catcalls from the shinobi they’d grown with, fought with, and protected- even Akamaru, since Kiba snuck him in and none of the waitstaff had the gumption to tell them no.

“He’s not here yet,” Sai offered.

Naruto quit searching the room long enough to look embarrassed. “Shut up, asshole. I’m not looking for anyone special, you know! Just seeing who’s here.”

“You know who’s here,” Sai said flatly. “Sakura told you who was coming two hours ago.” 

Naruto decided then that greeting Akamaru was higher on the list of priorities, so Sai let him be, for once. He snagged tea- since Sakura had arranged it, there was more tea than sake- and settled where he had a good view of the room. Ino had sent him a photo earlier, and he had no intention of missing the inevitable fireworks when Sakura dragged the Uchiha through the door.

And there  _ were _ fireworks.

Sasuke had an even greater dislike of crowds and fangirls than Naruto did- Sai, personally, didn’t mind them too much, even if he wasn’t sure what to  _ do _ around them- so when the host did his song and dance, and the fangirls began to swarm, Sasuke’s attempts at avoidance usually managed to frighten them back to the walls. Of course, this gave him a reputation as a  _ bad boy _ \- which, to be honest, he’d more than earned- and a decent percentage of them found it  _ more _ attractive. 

The end result was that Sasuke burst into the VIP lounge with murder on his mind and came face-to-face with the golden, sparkling embodiment of a sun god Sai’s artistry had turned Naruto into for the night. Sai would pay a month’s worth of mission fees just to see the instantaneous sweat drops run down his dumbfounded face again.

“H-hey, Sasuke… it’s sure crowded tonight, ya know? Sakura-chan sure outdid herself this time… eh…”

Oh yeah, Sai would definitely have paid money for this. His partners skipped past Sasuke and flounced on the couch next to him. “Hi, sweetie,” they chorused, big, mischievous grins on their faces.

Sasuke’s face cracked. “Naruto. What  _ are _ you wearing?”

“Well, Sai wanted to… uh…” Naruto peered at his business partner’s face.  “Hey, are you wearing  _ eyeliner? _ You’re fancier than I am! What are  _ you _ wearing, you bastard? _ ” _

“Something respectable as a clan leader and businessman! Not… why aren’t you wearing a  _ shirt,  _ you idiot!”

Ino and Sakura were having a hard time stifling their giggles.

“I’m wearing my jacket! See!” Naruto flapped said jacket in Sasuke’s direction. “It’s respectable! And Manly! We’re in a club, wear club clothes! You’re so stuffy, ya know!”

Sakura heaved a sigh.

“I’m not some degenerate teenager anymore, I have responsibilities--”

“Says the man wearing nail pol--” 

**Clonk.**

Both of them rubbed the sudden sore spots on the tops of their heads. “Ehhh- Sakura-chan, that’s so mean!” Naruto whined over Ino’s indignant “Hey! Do you realize how long I spent on his hair?! Don’t ruin it!”

Sakura put her hands on her hips and bared her teeth. “Hey! You two are supposed to be drinking with me right now! Where’s my drink?”

“S-sorry, Sakura-chan.”

Sasuke, being both stubborn  _ and _ exceptionally dense, in Sai’s opinion, required a full glare before he muttered an apology. Sakura, used to playing the peacekeeper by distraction and by force, snagged them both by their elbows and hauled them to the bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What should I do for the rest of this plotline... fluff... angst... fluff...angst...


	10. Like Glitter in your Miso

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But I am sorry to have taken so long! I've been dealing with a bunch of nonsense (moving and holidays and stuff) and some writer's block, but I'm back, and I have an awesome new computer- and will be getting a new drawing tablet soon to go with it- and I am super ready to get to the juicy bits. ^.~

Sasuke woke up the next morning topless with a raging hangover, surrounded by a cloud of fluffy covers that did  _ not _ smell like him. Or Sakura. Or anyone whose bed he usually wound up in after getting completely hammered the night before.

They smelled like Naruto, which was enough to send him upright in an instantly regrettable rush, scrambling to see where the rest of his clothes were.

Thankfully, his slacks were still on, but a soft chuckle from the door told him his panicked scramble had had an audience. He peered at Naruto with one eye squeezed shut against the migraine-inducing morning light.

Naruto grinned at him. He had washed most of the make-up off, but bits of glitter still clung to his skin, tiny flecks of light bouncing off of his cheekbones and the muscles on his arms. Even in a t-shirt and low-slung lounge pants—low enough Sasuke could catch the glitter still stuck to one hipbone—he shone. “Come on,” he said. “Coffee’s in the kitchen.”

Sasuke was coordinated enough to ooze out of bed, drag the yukata back over his shoulders, and follow Naruto into the kitchen. 

Naruto did a fairly good job of not looking like he was waiting to catch him; instead, he stepped into the kitchen first, let Sasuke take the stool at the counter, and plunked a sake cup in front of him. Sasuke recognized Sakura’s hangover cure with a grimace, but he plugged his nose, downed it, and instantly felt less nauseous. Naruto had coffee in front of him before he set the cup back on the counter. 

“Thanks,” he said. Paused. Flushed. Realized he probably looked like a tanuki who’d gotten fresh with a windmill and hid behind his coffee. “I, uh… I should probably shower.” 

Naruto couldn’t hide his blush and didn’t try. “There’s a spare toothbrush and towels and stuff in the bathroom. I’ll have breakfast ready when you’re done,” he told Sasuke’s quickly retreating back.

His phone chimed—again, like it had the first half-dozen messages he’d gotten from their friends, all asking if he’d finally ‘gotten laid (Sai)/ done the nasty (Shisui)/ had a good time (Gaara) / used protection (Kakashi. Euw)/ made sure Sasuke wasn’t missing (that last from Sakura).’ He’d first crawled off the couch to turn the ringer off around six in the morning. The shower had gotten most of the glitter off, and Naruto never had to worry about hangovers (one good thing about being a jinchuuriki), so he had been awake, dressed, and had coffee ready by the time Sasuke was conscious.

He hadn’t decided how he was going to explain to his business partner why he’d wound up topless in Naruto’s bed, but the memory did make him smile as he dished up breakfast and the shower stopped running.

Sasuke came out freshly scrubbed wearing Naruto’s clothes, and Naruto forgot to breathe for a moment. “Uh… um… feel better?”

Sasuke rubbed at his hair with the towel. “Sakura’s hangover cure tastes like slug slime, but it works. Is that breakfast?”

Naruto slid the tray of fish, rice, and miso to the center of his kitchen island. “Nice and hot,” he said. “Dig in.”

They did. Voraciously, in fact, until Naruto’s phone barked a jingle (Kiba this time) and Sasuke picked it up without thinking. Naruto stopped chewing as Sasuke’s face turned bright red and the phone clattered back onto his counter. “Uh…”

“Hey! Let’s spar today,” Sasuke blurted. “It’s been awhile since I kicked your ass, and you said you needed the exercise.”

Naruto blinked. “Sure? I think training ground three is usually open...” 

“Right.” Sasuke bolted the last of his food. “I’m gonna borrow your clothes for a bit and-run-home-and-change-first-bye!”

Being a shinobi, the door didn’t slam behind him, but Sasuke was gone all the same.

Naruto sighed and picked up his phone. “Heyyy you sly dog saw you take Sasuke home last night GET SOME. WOO.”

Fucking Kiba was a dead man. Naruto finished his breakfast, changed into his gear, and amused himself on the way to the training grounds thinking of imaginative ways to string Kiba up by his intestines.


	11. Mission: Impossible.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, it's Kakashi.

Sasuke faceplanted on his own bed, in Naruto’s clothes, and groaned. 

He couldn’t remember a fucking thing between drink five and waking up. The mirror had informed him that when the lipstain said “long lasting,” it  _ meant it, _ but the eyeshadow and his hair was three different shades of “sex or just bedhead?” 

Though his pants had been on, so probably just bedhead. A long inhale reminded him that he still hadn’t changed back to his own clothes. Being surrounded by that hot sun-wet pavement- warm food smell that Naruto wouldn’t believe if he told him about it made him consider conveniently forgetting to give it back. 

Fuck it.

He shoved the shirt in between his bed and the wall- under his pillow was too obvious- and went for his gear. No matter how good the idiot smelled, Sasuke promised him a beating.

~!~

Naruto wasn’t alone by the time Sasuke got to the training grounds. “Ah, Sasuke!”

Sasuke narrowed his eyes at his former sensei. “Hokage-sama. What are you doing here?”

Kakashi ignored the formality. “Ah, sorry, Sasuke. I need Naruto for a mission in Lightning country.” He patted Sasuke’s shoulder familiarly. “Don’t worry, it shouldn’t take him long.” A rustle, and he was gone.

Sasuke looked at Naruto, who was doing that awkward head-scratch he always did when he’d fucked up but didn’t want his ass kicked. “A mission?”

Scratch scratch. “Ah, heh… yeah. Kakashi-sensei got a message from Killer Bee, something about the tailed beasts, so… I mean, I don’t need to leave until tomorrow, ya know! We can still spar today if you—”

“Oh! I nearly forgot!”

This was announced mere inches away from Sasuke’s right ear, because Kakashi was an  _ absolute asshole _ , so Sasuke wound up at Naruto’s shoulder without having made a conscious decision to execute an evasive front flip. Kakashi stood nonchalantly next to his footprints and waved. Sasuke put his kunai back in his pouch. Naruto wisely tried to stifle his snickers.

“Naruto,” their Hokage said with a smug grin that was somehow even  _ more _ obvious for the mask covering his mouth, “you’re going to need to leave today. Ah, and you’ll need a partner for this one. I can see if Shikamaru is available, but…”

_ Oh, fuck it.  _ “I’ll go.” 

Kakashi just smiled his little cat-smile. “Ah. I suppose that saves me the trouble of rearranging everyone’s busy schedule. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure your business is covered.” 

He vanished again. Sasuke looked at Naruto, who was blinking at him like an owl in daylight. “What?”

“N...nothing! Just, uh, you don’t usually go out on missions anymore… ya know?”

Sasuke sniffed. “Maybe I could use a little more exercise.”

“Oh, I’ll help with tha- OW hey Sasuke- knock it off, you bastard!”

Sasuke kicked at Naruto’s knee. “I told you I’d kick your ass. Now I’ve just got to-  _ ha!- _ got to kick your ass back to get our mission gear, asshole.”

Naruto’s face lit up with a grin. “You’re- oof- you’re on!”

“ _ Arh! _ Last one back has to tell Konohamaru he’s got bakery duty!”

~!~

Kakashi watched two of the most powerful shinobi in the Land of Fire spar out of the training grounds. “Sakura,” he drawled. “You owe me ramen.”

Sakura landed next to him. “Thanks, Kakashi-sensei.”  

He tilted his head. “I think I’ll have the Miso deluxe.”

“It's on me, Sensei.”

He smiled. "I'll ask the ninken what they want. Pakkun usually likes his plain."

"...no."

"Why not?"

"...I'm not buying your dogs dinner, Kakashi-sensei."

"Well, that's not what we agreed--"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Bakery No Jutsu is going to wrap itself up in a couple of chapters! O.O Pretty sure. No, sorry, it won't end in copious amounts of smut, since I didn't make that the rating for it at the beginning and changing it now might confuse some folk. 
> 
> The next project, I think, will be Shisui-centric. I've had the idea bouncing around in my head since I first put Shisui in Bakery No Jutsu, so get ready for a Prequel No Jutsu (we're not calling it that) after this wraps up. That will involve waaaay more angst than this one. I will probably/ maybe make a drabble series for this AU's universe that MIGHT involve some more adult themes. (wink wink). Ya know, like an epilogue. Yes. That kind of epilogue.


	12. Smells Like Team Spirit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Field Trip!

Naruto and Sasuke made it a half-mile past the gate before they stopped. Sasuke stared impassively at the woods around them, but Naruto just rolled his eyes. 

“We know you’re there, asshole, so you may as well come out. I can smell the ink.”

Sai leaned against the tree he’d been lurking behind. “Liar.”

Sasuke scowled at him. “What are you doing?”

“Team Seven is responding to a message from the current Eight-tails jinchuriki as a gesture of cooperation between our villages.” Sakura- because it was Sakura, and she could- popped out of the trees behind them.

Sasuke, four feet down the road and  _ definitely not _ with his hand anywhere near his sword, glared. “Do you mind  _ not doing that?” _

She smiled and wiggled her fingers at them. “Aww, it’s just  _ me, _ ” she said. Sasuke could make  _ cookies _ out of that tone. “You’re too jumpy, Sasuke. It’s really just a diplomatic mission. You’re escorting Naruto, and  _ we’re _ escorting  _ you _ .”

He snorted. “I don’t need an escort.”

Naruto slung his arm over Sasuke’s shoulders, laughing. “Come on, Sasuke, it’ll be like old times. Except you’ll be, uh,  _ not _ obsessively hunting anyone or like, being a missing-nin, or doing anything illegal-”

Sasuke grimaced and shoved Naruto off of him. “Thanks for the reminder, asshole.”

Sakura slung her arms over both of them. “Come onnn, weren’t you two JUST saying it’s been too long since Team Seven got into ANY kind of trouble? This’ll be good for us! A nice team outing, no pressure. It’ll be fun!”

“First of all, that was  _ Naruto _ , and he’s an idiot.” Sasuke’s eyeroll was as obvious as his Sharingan. “ _ Fine _ . But you two better not keep us up at night making out, or I swear—”

“Likewi-ise!” Sakura chirped, a skip in her step as she left her two oldest teammates behind to snag her boyfriend’s hand. Sasuke opted for cowardice and hopped up into the trees. Tree-running was infinitely better than sticking around for any more of  _ those kind _ of insinuations. Or seeing the look on Naruto’s face. 

Infinitely better. So he definitely didn’t do anything like check out the hot blush spreading across Naruto’s cheekbones. Nothing of the sort. “Hurry up, Losers!”

~!~

Naruto watched Sasuke disappear into the trees before he glared at his two remaining teammates. “ _ What _ are you two up to? It’s really obvious, you know.”

Sakura just grinned at him and swung Sai’s hand back and forth. “Nothing.”

Naruto grimaced. “This better not backfire in my face,” he said with a sigh. “You know he was starting to relax? We were going to spar.”

Sai settled a hand on his shoulder. “Just trust us. Besides, you haven’t seen Killer Bee or let the Kyuubi have some fun in a long time. Think about that and quit worrying.”

“When you say quit worrying, it makes me worry.”

~!~

They’d settled into a camp for the night when Sakura tossed a scroll across the fire. “Here. Mission scroll.”

“Kakashi-sensei already… oh.” He scooted closer to Sasuke, as close as he dared, and unrolled it so that his partner could read over his shoulder. “How is he having trouble with the tailed beasts? This doesn’t make any… oh, hey, he asked for you, too, Sasuke—” Sasuke scoffed— “huh. Well, I guess it makes sense why Bee asked.”

Sai watched him across the fire. “Why does Killer Bee have other tailed beasts besides the eight-tails?”

Naruto shrugged. “After we beat the ten-tails, most of them went wherever they liked. We- Bee and I- made the villages swear not to attempt to re-capture them. Several of them just like to check in with Bee or I once in awhile. Isobu and Saiken are usually somewhere around Paradise Island. Saiken appreciates the peace and quiet.”

Sai looked at Sakura. “The three-tails and the six-tails,” she explained. “Apparently Kokuo and Son Goku— the five and four-tails— are visiting as well.” 

Naruto nodded and flicked the scroll into the fire. “Son Goku came back injured,” he growled. “If someone is trying to seal them away again, I’ll…” His eyes flickered with Kurama’s anger. “They’ll regret it.”

Sasuke put his hand on Naruto’s shoulder, and Naruto paused for a moment, startled out of his rage. “We’ll make them regret it,” Sasuke promised; his Sharingan glowed harshly in the firelight. 

Naruto settled against his side, his eyes closed. Sasuke pretended not to notice how Naruto was grinding his teeth, just let him settle closer. 

Sakura and Sai exchanged a glance. “We’ll take first watch,” She said. “You two get some sleep.”


	13. You Fool!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Readers: 0.0;; 
> 
> Me: :}

It took them five quick days to get to the Cloud Village, beg passage— not that war heros particularly _needed_ to resort to begging— to Paradise Island, get derailed by an apparent grievance between Isobu and a particularly gigantic squid (‘oh, it’s _you again,_ ’ was the only commentary Naruto had on the issue), and make landfall. Killer Bee was there to greet them, (Sasuke had a sudden desire to be _literally anywhere else,_ ) and had, apparently, taught Saiken the rudiments of beatboxing. 

It was not, by any means, what Sasuke had expected. Naruto, hyperactive child that he was, just accepted his fist bumps and went with it. This did not extend to participating in the beatboxing- Sakura had  _ that _ look on her face, and absolutely no male of her acquaintance was willing to screw with  _ that look. _ Even Saiken quieted after a good look at her raised eyebrow.

It was Sai who brought it up first. “Excuse me, Bee-sama, are we not here to help with the tailed beasts? Everything here seems… less destroyed than I would expect if there was a problem.”

Bee jerked a thumb over his shoulder. “Yonbi-sama is by the falls,” he said. “He won’t talk to anyone but Naruto, Konoyarō!”

Saiken made a sound reminiscent of the noise a gigantic, five-tailed slug would make if it was snickering. Sasuke was certain the noise wasn’t meant to be as unnerving as it was. 

Naruto turned to the rest of them with near-wild eyes. “Go,” Sasuke told him, not expecting him to have heard anything past the first syllable before he’d bolted for the trees. Sakura sighed.

Bee grinned. “Come on, ya know, Saiken-and-me, we’ll show ya where to go,” he rapped, impervious to Sakura’s grimace. He and Saiken bopped along a path in front of the group, raising eyebrows and several apologetic smiles from their Kumo-nin escorts,

“...aren’t… we here for something serious?” Sai asked. 

“Bee-sama will explain once Naruto-sama gets back,” one of their escorts, Motoi, explained. “I’m sure he’ll be back after we settle you into your rooms.”

Sasuke watched the trees around them. Sakura gave him a nudge. “He’ll be fine,” she told him. “Naruto knows everyone here.” She turned to their escort. “Motoi-san,” she said with a shallow bow, “it was mentioned in our report that Yonbi-sama was injured. Does he need a med-nin?”

“Yonbi-sama’s injuries have healed, but we appreciate your offer. It is kind,” he said with a deeper bow. “Not many would care about whether a tailed beast needs healing.”

“Naruto is our teammate,” She told him. “He cares, therefore we also care.” Sai and Sasuke nodded solemnly.   
  
~!~

Naruto was confused. He’d gone to the falls looking for Son Goku, found nothing but memories and a gigantic ape who refused to tell him where the yonbi had gone, and started wandering the island. Eventually he’d found a spot to meditate so he could access Kurama’s inner world, but when the four-tailed ape refused to speak with him, he opened his eyes to the gigantic white snout of the five-tails.

“Agh!” He shoved at it, “Back up, Kokuo. I need to find Son.”

Kokuo’s hooves danced with impatience. It rested its great jaw on the top of Naruto’s head instead, gently pinning him in place.

_ My sibling is not listening to us, _ it informed him.  _ We are not sure why. Climb up! I will take you to Son Goku. _

_ Do you know how Son Goku was injured? _ Naruto enquired as he clambered onto the sleek beast’s back.

_ By being foolish. Hold on! _

The island wasn’t large, and Kokuo was fleet; the five-tailed beast had turned and raced back the way Naruto had come. The trees flashed by in a blur and the pound of hooves the size of platters. It wasn’t long before the four long tails and red fur of Son Goku was visible through the forest.

But so was something else. The red and white fan of the Uchiha blinked through the trees with Kokuo’s stride…

The Yonbi was stalking Sasuke. Three paces too far, Naruto could only watch as the giant fire ape leaped, fist raised against his team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE PENULTIMATE CHAPTER WHAAAT. *Le Gasp!* Be sure to check out the entirely-more-angsty Shisui-centric prequel to this story, At The Edge of Still Water! It's currently part one of the Bakery AU series.
> 
> ALSO HEY Y'ALL. If/ when Bakery no Jutsu gets up to 200 kudos I'll write the steamy epilogue y'all deserve. <3 3000 hits HOLY SHIT I know I know that isn't really much for most writers but I'm NEW this is EXCITING. You readers are AWESOME and I appreciate how into this story you've gotten. <3


	14. Incentive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> O.O... ^.^ <3<3<3

Sasuke whipped towards the sudden pounding leap of an enraged tailed beast with his sword half-drawn before he realized what kind of disaster engaging the Yonbi with a bare blade could become. In the time it took him to move his eyes, though, the giant red fist had been met by the delicate sledgehammer that was Sakura Haruno, redirected, and slammed into the trees on the other side of the path. 

“What the hell!”

Hooves thundered behind them, and the gigantic white body of the five-tails flipped across the path and landed on its back with enough force to fell the giant trees on the other side. Bright orange flung out past the destruction and slapped against one of the stone columns that dotted the island. “Naruto!”

Sasuke ran. He didn’t even acknowledge the ridiculously large volcano-mouthed ape that chased him, he just ran to the yellow-haired  _ idiot _ who  _ wasn’t standing up _ , turned, and met the gigantic fists with the impenetrable armor of his  _ Susanoo.  _

_ “Not today, you jacked-up monkey!” _

Son Goku bellowed and pounded the purple fire. Sasuke bared his teeth. Not even his Susanoo could withstand an onslaught from a tailed beast forever. Black rope wrapped around the beast and snapped back into ink almost immediately. Sakura attempted to close, but had to dodge back from a flood of lava.  _ That’s enough of that. _

The bow on the susanoo’s left arm started to take aim. The ape bashed it back, too close, and the sword in its left started to strike, following Sasuke’s own arm. 

“NO!” Naruto threw his whole weight on Sasuke’s arm. “Sasuke, don’t!”

The ape went back to pounding against the armor. Sasuke could feel his feet slide back with each hit. He turned to Naruto— his forehead was bloody— he must have hit the stone with his face. Sasuke could see the panic in his eyes through the blood.

Sasuke flung his arm out, both a block and a gesture. “He is trying to  _ kill us!” _ he screeched, his eyes so rounded Naruto could see the whites all the way around the glowing pinwheels of his irises. He whirled, and the susanoo’s purple fist bashed against a furry red one. 

Naruto’s hands settled on his shoulders. His eyes had turned red and his teeth had grown. Red chakra began to flow around them. He looked like a demon. “Sasuke,  _ please. Let me handle this.” _

Sasuke stared at him for a moment before taking a breath. His head pounded in time with the ape’s fists.  He put his hand over one of Naruto’s clawed fox-hands and squeezed. “We’ll handle it together,” he told his partner. 

Naruto nodded. He dragged in one great, hoarse breath, and the last, greatest tailed beast unfolded around them, clad in the purple armor that was Sasuke’s susanoo. They turned to the giant ape as a pair, with Kurama’s great teeth bared and nine tails fanned out behind them. 

Naruto twined their fingers together and roared. 

The ape sat down and stuck one big hairy finger in his ear, wiggled it, and pulled it out with a pop. Then he grinned and waved at them, friendly and cheerful _. _

The rest of them stared. Naruto made a noise that should only be heard by dogs and small children, like a tea-kettle if it could growl. “ _ What?!” _

Son Goku shrugged and gestured at their hands.  _ It seemed like you needed some incentive. _

“You… I…  _ what!” _

The ape scratched his belly.  _ Or he needed some incentive, maybe. _

Sasuke let go of the susanoo as the nine-tails’ chakra bled away from Naruto. “Naruto?”

Naruto turned his dumbfounded face to Sasuke. “They set us up!” He squeaked. He whirled on their teammates. “Did you set this up?!”

Sakura and Sai tried to stifle their giggles. Sakura lifted both palms towards Naruto placatingly. “We just planned on a nice vacation. Tailed beast shenanigans weren’t part of the plan, I swear.”

Naruto flailed helplessly back to Son Goku. “You set us up! What?! How!”

The big ape shrugged.  _ It was the fox’s idea. _

Kurama’s wry mind-voice echoed in the caverns of Naruto’s mind.  _ I was tired of your moping. I did not think the pink-haired one’s plot would work. _

Sasuke watched Naruto’s face contort in reaction to what he could only assume was an argument between the voices in  his head. “Naruto…”

“I can’t believe this! I expected this from Sakura, but not  _ you guys! _ I can’t believe I—!”

“Naruto!”

“ — fell for that, I—!”

Sasuke tugged their joined hands towards him, and Naruto, off-balance, flopped ungracefully into his side. “Naruto, no one else can hear what they’re saying.” 

Bee got one contradictory syllable out before Sakura stomped on his foot.

Naruto closed his eyes and sagged against his partner’s chest. “The tailed beasts set us up because Kurama was ‘tired of my moping,’ ” he grumbled, with air quotes. 

“... I see.” Sasuke ran his free hand through Naruto’s short blonde spikes, careful to avoid the still-healing cut on his scalp. “You should have told me sooner. I guess if your moping is so obnoxious even the tailed beasts are trying to set us up, we should probably give in.”

Naruto went still with his face against in Sasuke’s shirt. “...what?”

“You heard me, dobe.”

Naruto turned his head up towards Sasuke’s face. His brow furrowed. “You know,” he said, “that was the _worst_ ‘will you go out with me’ that I have _ever_ heard in my _entire_ _life_. And I have _fangirls._ ” He laughed at the red on Sasuke’s face. “Wait until I tell— mmf!”

Sasuke, for his part, enjoyed his new method of shutting Naruto up.

~!~

“So we still get the vacation, right?”

They were all flopped in the common area of Bee’s house on the island. After their first-  _ willing _ and  _ sober _ \- kiss had been interrupted by Kokuo kicking Son Goku in the head; they had all been distracted by helping Sakura heal Kokuo’s apparently sprained leg and simultaneously keeping the two beasts from demolishing the rest of them. According to Naruto, who wound up using a partial beast mode to keep them apart, Kokuo blamed Son Goku for making the hole in the ground that Kokuo had stumbled into. Unsurprisingly, they were all beat-up and exhausted. In retrospect, this was par for the course with Team Seven. 

Sakura flapped a hand from where she was using Sai as a pillow. “Yeah, yeah. We’re here for a week.”

Naruto settled back into Sasuke’s arms like a cat in clean laundry. “Good.”

Sasuke propped his chin on the topped of Naruto’s head. “So will you go out with me?” 

Naruto snorted. “Yes, you bastard. I already let you kiss me, you know. Normal people usually assume that means yes.”

His backrest shrugged. “You were distracted. And you didn’t like it.”

“Ohh, he  _ liked it _ ,” was the retort from across the room. Sasuke half-heartedly threw a kunai at Sai (Sakura caught it and pocketed it). “Rude!”

“Shut up, asshole.”

“Get a  _ room, _ geez.”

Naruto crooked an eyebrow at him. “Maybe we will, asshole.” He settled closer. “When I feel like getting up. I got thrown into a bunch of rocks, you know.”

“ _ Ugh. _ ”

Naruto grinned at Sasuke as Sasuke smirked at him. This time, it was Naruto who closed the distance between their mouths, and Naruto who brushed his tongue against Sasuke’s lips, and licked wickedly at Sasuke’s teeth as Sasuke reciprocated, his arms tightening around him. It was the both of them who broke apart laughing when Sai groaned, picked up Sakura, and fled the room, complaining “Unwilling witnesses! This is worse than I imagined! Agh! Sakura, why did I let you talk me into this?! That was awful!”

Naruto’s snickers died down and he ran his lips over Sasuke’s unrepentant grin. “Room?” he asked, an invitation in his eyes.

“Room,” Sasuke agreed. They had ten years to make up for. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit I finished something. Promise still stands! If/ when this gets to 200 kudos I'll write something rather steamier as an epilogue. ^.~ Until then, check out Shisui's story in the prequel, At The Edge of Still Water! <3


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